Slow Sex – Reading time approx: 18 minutes
Slow sex is only for older people and beginners? Not at all!
More and more couples complain of sex frustration, as they are dissatisfied in bed or they no longer feel like ‘sleeping’ with their partners. Because at some point she doesn’t get to climax with this “higher, faster, firmer“, rides, meaning you lack the sensuality of sex.
What exactly do we mean by the new trend “Slow Sex“? How can you venture into this completely new experience, and which exercises can support you? Well, in this article you will find all the information you need!
Slow sex, what’s it supposed to be?
As the name suggests, slow sex is all about… Slow Sex. Simple really!
But if you look behind the scenes, you will notice that there is much more to it!
You could also call it “gourmet sex“. After all, you don’t just dive into a £200 star menu with different courses, without letting it melt on your tongue and tingle your taste buds. After all, there’s only one way to really enjoy and taste the variety of your dish.
The opposite of fast food, just as slow sex is the opposite of a quickie!
So, what do you need for it? Just three things: a lot of time, a partner and (of course) curiosity. The basic requirements of sex – erection, lust, energy – are pretty much incidental, and can even be rather obstructive! And if you prefer something more on the wild side, then I recommend you try squirting.
“Slow sex is like a cross between making love and meditation. It’s about presence. To be in the moment”, says the couple and tantra therapist Ilka Stoedtner. In her Berlin practice, she shows couples how to reach higher spheres – all without any pressure.
The philosophy behind slow sex sounds simple, but it has its pitfalls. Speed, pressure to perform and goal orientation are completely kept out of the love life. No competition, no games, no performance pressure.
In the best case, the thought of an orgasm is also left out, even if “sex without orgasm” is rejected by most people. An orgasm is the jackpot in slow sex, so to speak, but it is not a top goal to achieve.
Because that’s what we want to avoid!
The trick is simple: as soon as you no longer fixate on the orgasm, it should come all the more powerfully by itself. Those who engage in this completely new attitude have the chance to experience an orgasm like they have never had before.
The essential thing is a change in consciousness, so that you feel every touch of your partner intensely and also touch them consciously and mindfully.
Slow sex can lead you away from thoughts such as ‘a man must always be able to perform’, meaning that sex always means penetration. This is because not every woman likes the same things, or that the goal of the act is always an orgasm.
Who is this modern technique suitable for?
Basically, slow sex is suitable for anyone who feels like they can’t go any further in bed.
People who are confronted with the fast, hectic pace of everyday life, and who no longer want to be confronted with the same whilst in bed.
Couples who are a bit stuck in their relationship and want to try something different, can use this technique as a way to suddenly feel like the first time all over again.
By the way, in this scenario sex in unusual places is also suitable.
Or it is simply curious couples who are willing to get involved in the basic rules of slow sex, and try it out without any undue pressure!
The basic rules for slow sex
The word “rules” sounds too sharp in this context, because everything you like is allowed.
But if you are preparing to have slow, enjoyable sex for the first time, you should take note of these points. After all, a few principles can never hurt 😉
Take out the tension
This point is unavoidable. To practice slow sex, you really should have time for love. According to some sex surveys, there is a lot of stress and performance pressure during the act.
Slow sex knows no time limit, rather the opposite. You can achieve a high level of relaxation in order to be able to feel even the smallest nuances of your body, and the other person.
If this succeeds, men can also achieve multiple orgasms without ejaculatory effusion, and women ride on a wave of high arousal without unloading too quickly.
For example, consciously take several hours over a weekend to seduce your partner, and stay together over a long period of time.
Look for a quiet room that you prepare, and make it especially comfortably, perhaps with candles and comfortable pillows. Quietly play some meditation music, or enjoy being together in complete silence, it’s completely your choice.
Good preparation works well in this situation, for example think about sexting, as this works particularly well here. Instead of falling wildly over each other, planning is crucial here.
Put pleasure in your touches
Of course, you should not focus exclusively on the genitals for a long time.
For example, start with a gentle head massage and then consciously move down, touching the earlobes, shoulders, abdomen, and legs. Your partner can give feedback on which touch he particularly likes.
After all, when you have arrived in the genital area of your partner, you can take a lot of time here to get to know this region of the body well.
Unlike rushing to the genitals and getting started, this is a wonderful way to be close.
As mentioned above, couples often come under pressure during sexual intercourse, as they absolutely have to give an orgasm, or experience it, to feel fulfilled.
Men are often frustrated because they reach climax too early and could not satisfy their partner. However, it is not always easy for women to go all the way themselves, which is a prerequisite for an orgasm.
By not caring so much about the intimate areas, you take out this “goal = orgasm” feeling at the same time.
If one of you ends up having an orgasm, that’s just as good! But for now, the climax should be pushed to the back of your mind.
Feel the change of consciousness
“Slow sex” is primarily intended to lead to a change of consciousness.
This means breaking up social and moral ideas.
So get rid of old ideas and realize that sexual satisfaction counts for a variety of factors, but not necessarily an orgasm.
Say goodbye to mechanical, practiced movements that don’t please everyone all the time.
Also be aware that it is not only your partner who is responsible for your sexual fulfillment, but also yourself.
That takes away the pressure to perform for both of you! With Slow Sex, you will automatically learn how to put more mindfulness into your movements.
To do this, you have to pay attention to your body and also your partner’s body. Feel what you want, and what your partners likes too. Especially with fast sex, this intense perception is lost. But remember, slow sensual eroticism is not reserved purely for those who are highly sensitive.
Talk about your feelings!
Another important element is communication. Often couples can’t talk about what they really want in bed. However, this exchange is extremely important so that both of you can enjoy your sexual experience. Especially with slow sex, where it’s all about what the other person likes!
After all, your time together is yours alone, and there’s nowhere else you get enough time to respond to your partner than now!
Even shy people can slowly learn to express their preferences and desires in this relaxed, comfortable space.
However, you don’t need to worry. If you have particular sexual preferences, such as Anilingus, your partner will generally respond to them sympathetically. Just give it a go!
Turn off distractions!
And that means everything – mobile phones, laptops, doorbells… It is not just about the danger that something might disturb you, but also you don’t want to spoil the quiet sexual ambiance.
When your phone is turned on, you know that messages might come through and you automatically have one ear on the ringtone.
So take your time, and move (or switch off) everything that has nothing to do with the moment!
Here’s how it works
As with most sex practices, there is no step-by-step guide. Especially as slow sex is not about sex, it’s about YOU!
Over time, you will be able to write your own instructions. But for now, we have at put together the basics, along with some helpful tips.
Start with small exercises
Newcomers to Slow Sex are advised to generally deal with the mindfulness concept before moving it to the bedroom.
(But you don’t have to go through psychological books or attend courses, a few very simple exercises work wonders. But more on that later.)
When you feel ready, there are several options. A nice example of the start is a sexy challenge. One of you touches the other for twenty minutes. wherever you like it.
However, the person being touched must not come to orgasm until the whole time has elapsed. This is not only about sensations and the climax, but also about a small power play. This makes the whole thing doubly sexy.
Another way to try slow sex is to appeal to all the five senses. Seeing and tasting are self-evident for most people during sex, but what about the other three?
Do you like different sounds in the room?
Do you have any toys that you can put in the freezer and then play with temperature and surface structure on the skin?
Take a little time to try different things to help sharpen your senses, and find out what feels exciting to you.
The petting units
As with “normal sex”, touches are of course the be-all and end-all.
But remember: tender, careful kisses, gentle massages, caressing all over the body, and suitable sex games are the warm-up. However, these touches are already sex! No body part remains “unloved”, take your hands, fingers and lips on a journey of discovery about your partner!
Massage his feet and toe’s gently, hike up his legs with his hands, carefully caress slowly over the inside of his thighs, and touch his intimate area without paying too much attention to him (after all, he should hold out for a little bit ;))
Very slow and careful, because everything else is going to take time, which also means that penetration is forbidden for the time being!
Instead, pay special attention to his sensitive neck, the inside of his forearms and other parts of his body where he likes to be fondled.
And if it’s too hard for you to bear? Then you may slowly move on to the next step.
The actual sex
For the perfect slow sex there are positions in which you can delay the climax especially intensively, after all it’s worth remembering: enjoy it slowly – instead of getting to the point too quickly.
The most important requirement is that both of you can relax in the position, and don’t let anything hinder that. So lie down comfortably and position yourself so that you can endure the position for a long time.
A few possible positions are, ‘The Backpack’, (a spoon position with angled legs), the ‘Magic Mountain’ (bedded on a large pile of pillows – for those who like it from behind), or just the classic missionary position, in which you can endure for really long periods. Carefully approach a position and don’t let yourself get stressed.
Violent shock movements and wild “sheets-clawing” are (and remain) taboo during slow sex!
Take your time and feel that you are very close. Short erection breaks are now expressly desired, after all, you could still lie nice and tightly wrapped around, and enjoy yourselves for hours.
The climax
Even if slow sex is primarily not about orgasm, it is of course welcome to be included in the sex. And watch out: It can sometimes be quite intense if you manage to delay it correctly!
An orgasm is practically the cherry on the cream.
However, be careful that you still don’t get into an “orgasm compulsion” (“I’ve come, now I have to get you to come”, “He was so beautiful last time, I need another!”).
Just see it as a little extra, like a shooting star. When you see them it’s nice, but you can’t force them.
Small aids
As mentioned above, slow sex is all about you and your feelings. Nevertheless, there are little tricks and tools that can make your time for two, even more enjoyable!
Candles
Timeless, classic and romantic. Candles won’t be able to support you directly during sex, but alone they will provide the perfect atmosphere. The more candles, the better!
Slow sex is best when it takes place in very low light, or even complete darkness. After all, it’s about feeling and hearing, you don’t necessarily need your eyes for a few hours.
If you still want to have a soft light, candles are the perfect alternative for you!
Quiet music
If the silence in bed is too loud, or if you would only concentrate on your partner’s breath, you can let quiet, relaxing music run.
Massage oil
Maybe you want to massage each other, or just give your touches a pleasant taste? A fragrant massage oil will work wonders and take you to a completely different level of relaxation 😉
An eye mask
Also a good way to turn off some senses are blind-folded eyes! It is even scientifically proven that with closed eyes we can perceive voices and touches much more strongly, so this is the perfect way to open up his mind to slow sex!
Exercises outside the bed
Slow sex is taken up differently by everyone. For some it is pure fulfillment and they can let themselves fall completely from the first second, whereas others need a bit longer to get in to it. But to make the enjoyable hours for two even more beautiful, you can train your mind outside of the direct act!
A few simple exercises can be found here, but the Internet is full of these so-called “mindfulness exercises”. Look around a little bit and see what you like, there’s certainly something for everyone.
And be sure: you will notice the results of your “training” faster than you thought!
A breathing exercise
A simple breathing exercise, with which you can learn “intense feeling” especially well, is as follows:
The purpose of this breathing exercise is to clearly feel your body, to focus on it and thus, for example, to release tension, to improve mindfulness, and to lower your pulse and blood pressure.
To perform this exercise, you can either sit on the floor in the tailor’s seat or lie down.
In any case, you should make it comfortable. Then you put your hands on your abdominal wall, breathe in and out deep and slow for a few breaths each time, and pay close attention to how your abdominal wall lifts and lowers again.
Then you put your hands on the right and left on your ribs with your thumb inward.
Breathe again a few breaths slowly, deep and controlled in and out, and pay close attention to how your chest expands and tightens again.
Towards the end, you put your hands on the tip of the lungs, i.e. at the height of the upper and ribs and just below the collared leg. Breathe slowly, deep and control in and out again and this time pay attention to how your upper chest rises and then lowers again.
Take six to ten breaths at each stage and focus on your breathing rhythm and what happens to your body.
The exercise benefits you get later in bed, because slow sex is all about feeling every movement of your partner clearly and intensely again!
Yoga for more mindfulness
To the extent that yoga positively affects your body, mindfulness has a beneficial effect on your mind. People who regularly perform mindfulness meditations are less stressed and tackle life problems with greater composure.
For example, it leads to a long-term reduction in blood pressure and generally reduces arousal and emotional over-stimulation.
Meditators have learned to listen attentively to their bodies and to perceive a well-being or discomfort differentiated in all parts of the body.
But this “new” feeling of body and mind can be helpful, not only for everyday life.
There are countless simple, fast yoga exercises on the Internet. There is no exercise for mindfulness, because everyone feels their body individually. Check out a few exercises and look for the ones you feel good about.
Conclusion
Whether with or without orgasm, during slow sex you will almost explode with pleasure. So intense is the feeling, that once you have got involved in the slow sex and understood the meaning behind it, then nothing stands in the way of your enjoyable, loving time in bed!