Anna’s Tales: What NOT to Bring to a Body Rub

I spend the majority of my working day in panties, as do most erotic masseuses with makeup done, hair flat-ironed, pedicured nails, and any unwanted hair lasered and plucked to perfection. I’m so accustomed to this uniform, if you will, that I don’t possess an inkling of embarrassment when I strip down. New customers, however, are often quaking in their tasseled loafers when they step inside my massage room. The idea that me, nearly naked, not weighing much more than 100 pounds, and with less bodily hair than a newborn, is a somewhat laughable notion. Getting arrested, however, is not so funny. I am, after all, a criminal, albeit a miniature one, but a criminal nonetheless.

Most clients hide their anxiety well and I have no idea that they are about ready to wet their Dickies out of terror. Occasionally I will see a shaking hand or a quibbling lip, but normally I have no idea that the client was almost ready to bolt pre-game until after the session. Martin’s pre-emptive attempt to prevent arrest was the most creative: a three-page, single-spaced contract. Yes, that’s right. A contract where there were all sorts of parts using roman numerals and statutes referenced.

“I was going to give you this contract before we started,” he said, opening his briefcase. “I’ll leave a hard copy for you.”

Honestly, I think he was chagrined at his own silliness.

The contract begins by stating that money is being exchanged for massage and not for other services defined. If I do any of these defined acts, the session will be terminated without payment. Section 2 (a) defined “Fellatio” as means any act of oral stimulation of the penis. Are there other definitions? It goes on and on regarding all the sexual acts not to be performed. Honestly I learned a couple things; apparently if I fuck someone for money knowing that I have HIV, versus simply fucking someone for money, I have committed a class 5 felony, versus just a class 5 misdemeanor for the latter. Shit, this guy did his homework.

This contract begs this question: Had I been a puny vice cop, would the contract have protected him? I kinda think not. His contract did not forbid a hand job, which he did receive, and is illegal.

For those who are nervous about taking the body rub plunge, here are my recommendations:

1)         Pick a woman who is well-reviewed on a local escort site. Reviews will generally provide contact information. If she has happy, un-arrested customers, then she is not a cop (or a fraud). Reviews are always the best way to go, however, many guys fly by the crotch of their pants when picking providers and have gotten burned.

2)         Trim or shave your junk. Okay, this has nothing to do with getting arrested, but seriously, I don’t know any provider who doesn’t prefer tidier genitals. It also facilitates post-release cleanup.

3)         Don’t have incriminating conversations via phone/e-mail/text. Asking someone over the phone, “Does this massage include a happy ending?” is just pure stupidity. (Happy ending has entered the vernacular to the extent that I don’t think you could claim you meant a massage with story time.) I understand; you want to be sure you’re getting your money’s worth….so go to the reviews to get this question answered, don’t ask it over the phone. If you must, say, “Will I leave with a smile on my face?”

4)         Get a referral from a friend. This is perhaps the best way to get the low-down. Most men want to keep this arena of their life private, but for those of you balls-out, then asking a buddy if he knows where to get a complete massage will surely keep you from getting arrested.